the shatter of earth's collapse
☂
Not that anyone will actually see this, but you might or might not have gotten the reference above...anyway. Please do note that this online journal has been fighting the battle of neglect and time, often on the losing end, and really does feel like some sort of blue elephant that one's got to keep somewhat alive. For the sake of tradition, I suppose.
(K) Yuan here.
linkage
blue birds flap fandoms + happiness + the lot where the ego centersit's all quite narcissistic, really.
Date: <$BlogDateHeaderDate$>
Time: 12:23 AM
Author:(potassium)
Permalink: isolation →
When asked to look at yourself, never look.
(and for some reason I'm always blogging here right after an anger fit passes, but nevermind)
should I even bother about printing theatrics alright i will
After
I've gotten into the School of the Arts.
ALRIGHT, FAST FORWARD THREE MONTHS.
Times passes surprisingly fast. I entered the school and the first thing that hit me when I sat amongst the lot of them was that they were all artists. They all had the respect and creativity of one, not only when they're forced to, like in most "mainstream" schools. Sub-consciously, I had the mantra of "I am artistically inferior.", and I suppose that made me real awkward around. Having my best mate around kind of helped, but I still gradually came to detest breaks and lunch times, because it was then when I was left with no other reason to interact with others, and meant that I was to go to the only place I had to seek refuge: Waj's side. I didn't want to get in between her best friend in school, but he took it as that for a while anyway, though we're all fine now.
I didn't have anyone to talk to in Theatre class. I was hoping I'd stick by the other new theatre girl but as it turns out, she already has a mate in there. Same class too. As I was everywhere in school, in class I was very awkward. Working on a performance piece helped a little, but I was, again, bloody freaking awkward and somehow, I just couldn't relax. That mantra kept going on in my head stronger and a little clearer than before. In the end, the whole thing worked I guess. Someone even told me I performed beyond her expectations, but her expectations are another factor all together.
Truth to be told, it's all better now really. Not excellent, per see, but better. That counts for something, right?
That whole episode with the theatre piece made me realize one thing though. I couldn't seem to tell whether a scene was working or not, and I only knew when the actors and the others were groaning "this isn't workinnnngg" and rolling around frustrated. I couldn't feel it. I suppose you could say that emotional block thing's gotten worse. And I've developed a considerably average state of apathy. One might diagnose this as depression but it... doesn't feel like it. Just more of a huge black hole of numb, sucking every possible real, heart, inside feeling away. Now it's more of head-feeling, not real heart. But I laugh too, sometimes for absolute real, from the belly. That counts for something, right? :|
i've confessed only to art exhibitions and anonymous blogging sites.
i hope it helps, somehow. To kill this parasite of emotions, and while not sensing awkwardness or embarrassment to its full extent is pleasant, with the absence of an extreme negative comes the absence of an extreme positive.
OKAY, ON THE OTHER NOT-SO-EMO-&-SERIOUS NOTE, I AM NOW IN POSSESSION OF A MAC (still not used to it) AND A MALFUNCTIONING TOUCHSCREEN PHONE (motorola, Y U DO DIS TO ME?? ): )
Pretty excited for this coming Friday, I volunteered for Front of House work for TNS's SINGAPORE (commissioned to be part of this year's ArtsFest) and I'm also going for Ontrorend Goed's A Game Of You (also part of the ArtsFest). The latter sounds really cool, with a promise of a performance that questions the position of the "audience"; are they really the performance, or the audience?
Managed to secure spots for both, hah. :D
I guess I should go to sleep now.
Alright fine I confess; this post is written with the hopes of viewership from my new schoolmates, fingers crossed for reserved judgement on character. (although I'm pretty sure I've already managed to annoyed a few of you B) )
P.S Benedict Cumberbatch and Sherlock makes me unexplainably happy everywhere.(I HAVE TUMBLR INFLUENCES okay i'll shut up now)
I guess I should go to sleep now.
Alright fine I confess; this post is written with the hopes of viewership from my new schoolmates, fingers crossed for reserved judgement on character. (although I'm pretty sure I've already managed to annoyed a few of you B) )
FAIR NIGHT AHEAD, MY DEAR FELLOWS!
P.S Benedict Cumberbatch and Sherlock makes me unexplainably happy everywhere.
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